that's how i roll

I was sitting in the bathroom, eating McDonald's french fries, when I got a text from my BFF. "I just got in a bar fight at the Boatel. Call me." Apparently I left the bar at the right time.

dang it

Mr. Erectile Dysfunction Junction called. I ignored the call. He e-mailed. He texted. He called again. Couldn't he just hide his head in shame? I finally told him that we wouldn't be seeing each other again.

Last night I had a blind date with the Timid Fisherman. Nice guy, kind of timid in his speech, not a whole lot of chemistry. I'm hoping it won't turn out like the blind date several months ago with the Awkward Architect. Like TF, the AA was very timid in his speech (why can't I find any dominant assholes to date?). However, after the date he sent me a most eloquent e-mail. I believe he mentioned a desire to wipe down my breasts with a moist towelette. There was no second date with the Awkward Architect.

one chance

You only get one chance to make a first impression. It's trite but true.

It's also true that there are only two kinds of men: those that want to date you and those that want to fuck you.

So when I found myself making out with someone at the end of a first date recently, I realized that I had figured him wrong. I also realized that you shouldn't look a gift horse in the, er, pants, and decided to have a one-night stand with him.

This is where his first impression went horribly wrong. Men must know when there are issues. And if you suspect there may be issues, why would you start something that you can't finish? This crossed my mind the first time Mr. Erectile Dysfunction Junction was trying to put a condom on his clearly-less-than-erect self. After fooling around a while more, he tried again and met with failure again. The third time was also not the charm.

Now I'm stuck dodging him online and hoping he doesn't call. I'm kind of a dude that way - I just can't respect someone who would put out so quickly. (Even though he technically didn't put out...) I don't want to make him feel that it was his performance. He could have rocked my world and I still wouldn't want to try to date him again. I imagine ED must suck. I wouldn't know, as I'm a female and also pretty much good to go at any time.

Please don't let him call.

The switch

What a major switch. In Fairbanks my best prospects were a man that we coined, "The Fungi". Now that I'm down at the lower 48, I was out with the man that I was dating Saturday night. A straight, married man came up to me, pointed at my date & said, "You could get a lot of money for that one."

bah

OK, the one night stand is going to remain a one night stand. I can't handle the drama of trying to set up a booty call with a man who does not own a cell phone. It turns into this long process which starts to resemble dating. I don't want to date him, I just want to fuck him.

From now on, I will check for a cell phone before even entertaining the possibility of sex.

technical difficulties

Wait, why did I hook up with a man who doesn't own a cell phone? That's ridiculous in this day and age. Plus, right now I really want to text him and tell him to come over. This lack of communication is not conducive to a booty call.

the game show edition

I told the host I wanted to use one of my lifelines, and I went with "Fuck a Friend." It was better than asking the audience. Turns out that he was quite the dirty talker. In fact, he put my dirty talking to shame. Totally worth it, even though I am now covered with bruises and bite marks.

I'm glad to have finally found a man who is willing to be the aggressive one.